Some things had happened since I wrote my last entry here. Some things happened to me...I am not the same...I cannot explain it, but some things changed inside of me. I have "before" and "after" experience. I do not know, but maybe it is the time to share some of my story...The story is about God's work in my life and also about me realizing how Real He is.
I think often He uses relationships to change us and to work in us something that we never knew about ourselves, to work His will in us and I believe His main goal is to teach us how to love, to love Him and to love others. So many times relationship is His tool for helping us to learn how to love: to be patient, kind, compassionate, forgiving, longsuffering, persevering, not easily angered, trustful, thankful and all the other qualities that Love looks through at us.
My story is not that profound, but it had and still has a great impact on my life. It happened some years ago now and I do not remember exactly how everything begun. We were working or better to say serving together. Since we saw each other every day, it was easy to start getting to know each other and though our personalities clashed on several occasions still something started to happen between us. At some point I just realized that I have strong feelings towards this man and he seemed to be the person I've been praying for. I begun to pray for him and ask the Lord to reveal His will.
The important thing to know about me is that I hardly ever show my feelings and it's always been like that: if I liked somebody I would never show it and actually I would become almost indifferent on the outside, though inside my heart would tremble. The reason for such a strange behavior now I think is that it is a part of my personality, but also because I believe that if it is from the Lord, then the guy has to know it not from me, but from Him.
It may sound strange or even foolish now days, but it was not so in the Bible times. Besides I believe the Lord actually made me this way to protect from unnecessary mistakes and heartbreaks.
My heart's always desired to meet the one from Him and this time I was praying that my feelings would not be just a temptation. The more I prayed, the more confirmations I got from the Word, the more I believed that this person is the one for me, I believed that he is my future husband.
But then came a change, very painful and hard...just when our relationships began to get so exciting ...I had to leave. It was and was not my choice the situation was very difficult and I knew this is how the Lord was answering to my other prayer - to make me a woman after His own heart.
Things became very difficult for me, it seemed like I had trial after trial, all my fears and weaknesses were rising and now looking back I know that the Lord was changing me, making a different person out of me, cleansing me from the things that were not pleasing to Him and not good for me.
We were separated now and could see each other only some time...I kept praying, asking Lord's confirmation and kept praying for him intensely.
I found a very strange thing in my personality it was a lack of commitment, my feelings were like a sea wave that took me up and down from excitement to depression. I could not decide what I wanted, either I love or do not love...my loving or not loving simply was depending upon my feelings and I realized that it is not right, it should not be this way. I learned that love is not a feeling as many think today, but love is an action and commitment. So I decided that if the Lord gave me this person and confirmed it to me through His Word, I should be committed no matter what my feelings tell me.
Every month I would write a commitment prayer in my journal...a year went by, another difficult year. It was the 12th month of writing my commitment prayer down and this time I had so much peace in my heart, I was excited, because things looked different, I believed that soon the Lord will answer and the time of trial and separation will be over. That evening I wrote: "Every month I had to check my heart & repeat the same words again. I do not know how much longer I need to wait - it is in Your hands, but I know for sure that You will bring Your will to pass...Lord, I hope for Your blessing even tomorrow, but I give this desire of my heart, that I know came from You, into Your hands as an OFFERING, as a SACRIFICE from my whole heart. You know how much I desire Your will, but I give it to You with hope that You will fulfill my greatest desire, which is to serve You. I cannot really understand this myself, but if You want me to be single my whole life (I am scared to say that), but if You do want that for some better reason, I want what You desire. Please, take this offer & do not let me to hold on to my desires & to the one I love, just take it, Lord, so I could serve You wholeheartedly, because I love You."
That was my prayer and God answered it, He took my words very seriously and answered them. Only recently I understood what was one of the reasons for it, as I shared part of this story with my friend.
But month and a half later, after I wrote those words, when the Lord answered my prayer by an engagement announcement, I could hardly understand why. If I did not have my prayer written down, I would probably go crazy, but He simply accepted my offering. That day He became very REAL to me, though my heart was broken, crashed, pierced and in pain, I was amazed that He answered.
It was not easy at all, but I realized some other things too: one painful understanding was in that I looked at my life and at my heart and saw how busy I always was, not busy with activities, but busy with emotions and feelings. I always thought of myself as of a faithful person, faithful to the Lord, faithful to my future husband. I tried to keep my heart from wondering, I was proud that I never dated, never had a boyfriend, I though I was better...pride was my sin and in reality my heart was always taken by some person I liked. Finally the Lord got my attention and my heart, now I decided to be committed to Him, at least to try. Then I learned another thing - even that I cannot do without Him, my faithfulness, commitment and righteousness is absolutely nothing...He is the One who can give me all that and sustain me in those things...I have learned many more lessons, I hope.
Another painful understanding - though I was very brave while praying ready to stay single for my whole life, after all this I understood that I still want to have my own family and to serve together with my husband. I prayed a very specific prayer one day, basically giving a list of things that would just save me from wondering and help me to recognize and to be sure of His will. I gave it to His hands that He would chose it for me, but until then I would just forget about this desire....and I did...for a while...but then I traveled to Europe for the first time...more than 5 years went by since then...my story is not over yet, but I know Him better now and trust Him more...it is all His doing anyway...
P.S. I did not mention that the Lord answered my prayer completely, He gave an opportunity to serve at the church where most of the people were single as well as the pastor...I am still serving at this church, but things kind of changing now, we are getting more families and that is pretty exciting:-)...
I think often He uses relationships to change us and to work in us something that we never knew about ourselves, to work His will in us and I believe His main goal is to teach us how to love, to love Him and to love others. So many times relationship is His tool for helping us to learn how to love: to be patient, kind, compassionate, forgiving, longsuffering, persevering, not easily angered, trustful, thankful and all the other qualities that Love looks through at us.
My story is not that profound, but it had and still has a great impact on my life. It happened some years ago now and I do not remember exactly how everything begun. We were working or better to say serving together. Since we saw each other every day, it was easy to start getting to know each other and though our personalities clashed on several occasions still something started to happen between us. At some point I just realized that I have strong feelings towards this man and he seemed to be the person I've been praying for. I begun to pray for him and ask the Lord to reveal His will.
The important thing to know about me is that I hardly ever show my feelings and it's always been like that: if I liked somebody I would never show it and actually I would become almost indifferent on the outside, though inside my heart would tremble. The reason for such a strange behavior now I think is that it is a part of my personality, but also because I believe that if it is from the Lord, then the guy has to know it not from me, but from Him.
It may sound strange or even foolish now days, but it was not so in the Bible times. Besides I believe the Lord actually made me this way to protect from unnecessary mistakes and heartbreaks.
My heart's always desired to meet the one from Him and this time I was praying that my feelings would not be just a temptation. The more I prayed, the more confirmations I got from the Word, the more I believed that this person is the one for me, I believed that he is my future husband.
But then came a change, very painful and hard...just when our relationships began to get so exciting ...I had to leave. It was and was not my choice the situation was very difficult and I knew this is how the Lord was answering to my other prayer - to make me a woman after His own heart.
Things became very difficult for me, it seemed like I had trial after trial, all my fears and weaknesses were rising and now looking back I know that the Lord was changing me, making a different person out of me, cleansing me from the things that were not pleasing to Him and not good for me.
We were separated now and could see each other only some time...I kept praying, asking Lord's confirmation and kept praying for him intensely.
I found a very strange thing in my personality it was a lack of commitment, my feelings were like a sea wave that took me up and down from excitement to depression. I could not decide what I wanted, either I love or do not love...my loving or not loving simply was depending upon my feelings and I realized that it is not right, it should not be this way. I learned that love is not a feeling as many think today, but love is an action and commitment. So I decided that if the Lord gave me this person and confirmed it to me through His Word, I should be committed no matter what my feelings tell me.
Every month I would write a commitment prayer in my journal...a year went by, another difficult year. It was the 12th month of writing my commitment prayer down and this time I had so much peace in my heart, I was excited, because things looked different, I believed that soon the Lord will answer and the time of trial and separation will be over. That evening I wrote: "Every month I had to check my heart & repeat the same words again. I do not know how much longer I need to wait - it is in Your hands, but I know for sure that You will bring Your will to pass...Lord, I hope for Your blessing even tomorrow, but I give this desire of my heart, that I know came from You, into Your hands as an OFFERING, as a SACRIFICE from my whole heart. You know how much I desire Your will, but I give it to You with hope that You will fulfill my greatest desire, which is to serve You. I cannot really understand this myself, but if You want me to be single my whole life (I am scared to say that), but if You do want that for some better reason, I want what You desire. Please, take this offer & do not let me to hold on to my desires & to the one I love, just take it, Lord, so I could serve You wholeheartedly, because I love You."
That was my prayer and God answered it, He took my words very seriously and answered them. Only recently I understood what was one of the reasons for it, as I shared part of this story with my friend.
But month and a half later, after I wrote those words, when the Lord answered my prayer by an engagement announcement, I could hardly understand why. If I did not have my prayer written down, I would probably go crazy, but He simply accepted my offering. That day He became very REAL to me, though my heart was broken, crashed, pierced and in pain, I was amazed that He answered.
It was not easy at all, but I realized some other things too: one painful understanding was in that I looked at my life and at my heart and saw how busy I always was, not busy with activities, but busy with emotions and feelings. I always thought of myself as of a faithful person, faithful to the Lord, faithful to my future husband. I tried to keep my heart from wondering, I was proud that I never dated, never had a boyfriend, I though I was better...pride was my sin and in reality my heart was always taken by some person I liked. Finally the Lord got my attention and my heart, now I decided to be committed to Him, at least to try. Then I learned another thing - even that I cannot do without Him, my faithfulness, commitment and righteousness is absolutely nothing...He is the One who can give me all that and sustain me in those things...I have learned many more lessons, I hope.
Another painful understanding - though I was very brave while praying ready to stay single for my whole life, after all this I understood that I still want to have my own family and to serve together with my husband. I prayed a very specific prayer one day, basically giving a list of things that would just save me from wondering and help me to recognize and to be sure of His will. I gave it to His hands that He would chose it for me, but until then I would just forget about this desire....and I did...for a while...but then I traveled to Europe for the first time...more than 5 years went by since then...my story is not over yet, but I know Him better now and trust Him more...it is all His doing anyway...
P.S. I did not mention that the Lord answered my prayer completely, He gave an opportunity to serve at the church where most of the people were single as well as the pastor...I am still serving at this church, but things kind of changing now, we are getting more families and that is pretty exciting:-)...
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